Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
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I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Botany good plants lately?
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.