For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
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Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁