Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
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I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
this is so top tier i cant
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”