Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
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Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
What
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
My teenage children choosing violence
Monday?
No. Next question.