I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
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Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I am yelling
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?