Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
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Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming