you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
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Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms