I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
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If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid