My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
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I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.