replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
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Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.