One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
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Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.