Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
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Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
My Plans 2020
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Ha.