I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
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We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.