My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
You Might Also Like
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
only 11 steps left
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
…żyje?
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD