Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
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GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what