The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
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Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
honestly, i need both:
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Watson was Holmes schooled
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.