I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
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Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.