My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
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[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.