I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
You Might Also Like
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.