No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
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Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)