“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
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Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
My current situation
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
That 👊