Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
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Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
For anyone who needs this today
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.