I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
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[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Need WebMD
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.