If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
You Might Also Like
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”