Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
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ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
adding to the discourse
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.