Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
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Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I hate my earbuds.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges