Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
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Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
The internet is magic sometimes.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.