wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
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Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
#CoronaOutbreak
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.