How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
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Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I am crying
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.