There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
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#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours