ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
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Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏