2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
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Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I’m putting together a team
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.