Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
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Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Dyslexics are teople poo!
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*