I told my vodka about you.
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Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
The point of your 20s
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
A bold strategy
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.