Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
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(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.