Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
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The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
The glory of fall.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.