i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
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Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
There is no “we” in pizza
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.