Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
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Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
the official breakfast of 2021
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet