Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
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Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*