I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
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The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*