All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
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I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”