5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
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Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
This made me chuckle.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look