My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
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I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.