Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
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(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.