#dalle2
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my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
me refusing to leave twitter
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
when dads have a rap battle
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
This is not me but this is me
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Dishonest mechanic?
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs