*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
You Might Also Like
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.