eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
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God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.