Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
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Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
it is time once again
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict