Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
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It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
*exercises sarcastically*
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?