sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
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I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I need better friends
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.